AKO SI JARIRA!!! :)

Hello, Real World. Invisible Illness Challenge

Regarding working and career. I’m all set to get (absolutely no) work done c: Still looking for a job. I actually got one but i dont like it hahaha

i should celebrate besides it’s my day naman din. what do you think?

Gagraduate na ako this 12th of April and I am having a hard time deciding where to go and celebrate. As what I have said in my previous notes, I come from a broken family. I am torn between two sides.

These past few days, i was battling with what to decide, whether to be with my siblings or to be with father. i asked for a piece of advice from the closest persons in my life and one replied that “salam. hi. just read your message. my phone’s gone berserk lately. anyway about the question re precom and grad. well, i would want my day to be the best so would not allow people to impose who ought to come or not, but I understand both sides. your bro and dad. They should both come. if they don’t wanna come, then that’s fine. besides it’s not everyday that you graduate… weigh well.. in the end all are gonna get hurt.”

Yes, she’s right. It’s my day. I should celebrate the day. I should be happy. And I should not let anybody impose things for me besides I am the one graduating.

It’s a trash for him ;(

All of you don’t know how it feels.

I’m sicked and fucked up with everybody else calling my mom a crazy woman, that she’s over reacting and she’s over sensitive. Fuck you, she’s not crazy, over sensitive or over reacting. It’s perfectly normal for anyone to react this way. Her husband whom she dedicated how many years for has betrayed her, both as a man and the head of her family. And not once, not twice, more than anyone could imagine.

My father left us when I was in my first year in high school. I was too young, then (as I consider myself at that time). I honestly didnt believe what other people told about my father. I trusted him. I believed in what he promised us. There was even a time, my mother and I argued about this. My mom kept on insisting that father had other woman (and some said WOMEN). I didnt want to believe. I kept on telling myself that father wont do such thing that would hurt us. But I was wrong. He left us without a silly explanation. He talked to me and told me that things happen for a reason. And his reason of leaving us is what he thought good for us.

Wow! He deciding to have an affair with two women, is that supposed to be “the best arrangement” for us? He said that deep in his heart, he never wanted to leave us. He said he missed us, and he said he want to know everything about me and my siblings and teach us everything he knew. That was really a WOW!!!

He left without a penny to give. He just went away! We’re seven at that time plus my mother was pregnant at that time. We’re not supported. She was not supported. I saw how she suffered inside and out. She cries in the middle of the night, afraid that her children might hear her. She checks the phone of her children’s father to see his dirty contact records, just because the shit hole refuses to come clean despite admitting to everything without any denial or explanation. She brought up her children by herself, not receiving any financial or mental support for many years. She sleeps without a husband even though she’s married, for many years too. She gives the best she could for her children, but seldom ever buys anything or treats herself anything good for herself.

Going through all this hell, for such a long period, would YOU know how it feels? Having to go through this without the support of any friends or family, is it her fault to cry, to be over sensitive, to over react? I’ve told only one friend about this, but since none of my other friends visit my Tumblr, I might as well say it here. I was really affected with what happened to us. I became the worst Meranao. I befriends people whom, in the very first place, I didnt expect to be my friends. I engaged into things I didnt expect to happen. I cried a river when I discovered my dad’s infidelity. I was there. I saw the other woman. I died when I found out that the rumor is a truth. I was trembling, then. I dont know what to do, what to think!!! Shit! Damn it! I tried to kill myself.

You know what, I was officially diagnosed with depression, along with panic disorder. For those who don’t know, the brief description of panic disorder the psychiatrist gave me was a panic attack that hits a person who have faced a trauma in the past, when the individual is reminded of that issue. It causes breathing difficulties, and if serious, it will cause heart attacks. Fortunately, for me, I only had breathing difficulties. According to the psychiatrist (let’s just call her aunt here, alright? That’s how I call her) I need to receive medications like anti-depressants as well as counseling. But I refused it. Because I didn’t want my mom to find out what is happening to me, and more importantly why. I couldn’t take meds home to take, nor pay for counseling. Fortunately for me, aunt agreed to counsel me for free, because I was friends with her daughter. But without the meds, the panic attacks did not go away. I would continue to cry every night, with some nights having to deal with my panic attacks and I had to gasp for breathe, feeling like someone was squeezing all the air out of my lungs.

There were a couple of times in the past 3 years after my mother passed away where I was left alone living in a dormitory, where I started to be the worst person I could be. I did bad things. A couple of times, I think. My mind wasn’t clear that time so I couldn’t exactly remember how many times I did it. But every time I did that, my mom’s face would appear and I would go back to my senses. I had to gag out everything in my stomach, forcing myself to do it. But I never showed this to anyone. I always smiled in front of my siblings, laughed in front of my friends. But I cried alone. I hurt alone. I never let anyone hear or see me crying. Just because my mom lets people see her cry will make people call her crazy? What about me, who cries alone? Am I not crazy, am I not scary? She died young because of a man. We’re not sane, but what about you, if you were dealing with what we had to go through? We’re not over reacting, we’re not over reacting. We’re just doing what a normal woman would do if she realizes that she sacrificed her life and youth for a man who treats her efforts and her years of dedication as trash.

oh my!!!

pila ka adlaw na lang, mo’graduate na jud ko :))

AT LAST….

Days from now I will already be leaving the portals of my undergraduate studies. Like a cliche most people say, it seems like it was only yesterday that I was beginning my life as a college kid. I’ve seen myself for four years battling and procrastinating with my endeavors considered and held in oblivion. I regret doing things sometimes ‘cause merely I’m only human. But more often than not I kept on telling myself that life is never perfect. There will always be mistakes along the way but the only thing we can do about it is just to look back and at most learn from it. The past is already a still life picture of how a man like me traversed with time, people, and objects.

I know myself in terms of how far I can go in my quest for knowledge and in satisfying myself knowing how far I got through. So even before I entered college I already dreamed of doing it the right way ‘cause I often hear the word “freedom” linked to it. Freedom in the sense that we get to nourish ourselves with arbitrariness and prerogatives. But I on the other hand, expected myself to take control of that lavish independence that will be ahead. And so I went to college supporting myself. The start already got rough ending up with a degree I didn’t dream of. Nevertheless, I still managed to consider it as a challenge. So I took off then greeted college life just like another friend to journey with. I was shocked that I, somehow, fitted in the field. So pretty much I was holding my goal right. I was really motivated by my friends who are all academic scholars. But then again, as human as I can get, I met people along the way, different kinds of them. And who wouldn’t be attracted to the invitation of friends and fun. After all, school is also about it. By then my scores weren’t as good enough as I intended it to be. I also got caught up with the subjects that just never caught my interests. That degree wasn’t that much of my personal choice. I know I love English but AB English, will never be my kind of thing. I will never settle with the idea of seeing myself as a teacher. I just don’t. But what’s done is done. I traveled too far for this. I just thought positively. My grades were fine, not good enough for me, but they’re fine. I mean who’s to blame but myself. I never gave my full potential to it. But again, I just can’t do it considering how my interest on it went wandering through the jungles of amazon. lol. My father was definitely against it but I refused not to continue. Hey it’s my life ahead that’s at stake. I was pretty much indecisive which path to choose. I’m like a lost sheep in the valley not knowing where to go. Why did it only occur to me that day that it’s my life in the future I’m creating. So after deliberating with a lot of courses, I decided to stay. (But FYI, I also wanna be an editor of a magazine, a researcher for a travel show, an accountant, a lawyer, and a businesswoman. haha. sorry for wanting to do a lot of things.)

So there, I stayed and realized that I love the course. I did my best to cope up with what I missed then made good grades for a year. I was trying to catch up because I really wanted to graduate with only four years in college. So I took subjects exceeding the normal load of units per semester. I even enrolled in summers. I was doing my part I tell you, just to achieve my goal of finishing college. But unfortunately, on my fourth year college, I had troubles on my thesis. I wasn’t able to defend my proposal on time because my adviser quit. Then I died. Watching myself and my dream killed gave me a lot of sorrow. It was an undertaking. A passage. I felt like a bullet wanting to be aimed but never got the chance to. I feel like a caterpillar that never got it’s cocoon because I died young. A series of unfortunate events also got along the way and so the more I frowned inside. But you know, I told myself, I had to keep going. I can’t just give up and quit college. My life is at stake in here. Maybe it isn’t for me. Maybe God planned something better for me. It’s life. We never know what to expect. We never know whether our dreams, our plans, our goals will come true but the only thing we’re sure of is that life is a porridge of dreams. If we can’t chase and accomplish one dream, we can always create another.

Fortunately, I had Maam Diane as my adviser. She helped me to defend and catch up with my batch mates. There, I made it. At last, I was able to run and chase the opportunity to graduate on time. My family and friends now ask me if I’m graduating with honor. I tell them the truth. No I’m not. It hurts me a bit but that’s life. We don’t get everything we want. I know they have expectations. I know I’ve disappointed them. They would expect me to be that smart kid finishing school with medals around my neck. But then I realized that it isn’t only by being smart that you get to be honored. And being honored doesn’t only mean achieving an award from the academe. Getting through life’s rough roads is already something I’m proud of myself. I’ve gone through a lot but still I remain standing and walking through. A lot of things unfold and happen and what we ought to do is to just accept it, be happy, and enjoy the ride that life brings us to.

Graduation

wwwwwooooooooooooohhhhhhhh 12 days to go… mo’grad na daw cla :))